Revival of a Broken Soul
by WhispersoftheWhiteWolf
Summary: In order to be made one has to be broken. Sometimes one's own worst enemy in your own mind.
1. Sleepless Night

**A/N: **This just came to me during one of those many nights that I couldn't sleep and it wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it down. I polished it up a little and figured it didn't suck so I decided to post it up. Anyone who is reading my other fic **The Hardest Part Is Falling** don't worry, I will continue it.

**Disclaimer:** I didn't own it for the first fic and I sadly don't own it now.

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I turned over in my bed for the fifth time in the last three minutes. It was one of those nights when my brain refused to shut itself off and just kept thinking no matter how much I wanted it to stop. I thought about everything and I was getting so frustrated that I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs. Of course I started to think about that too.

Giving up my attempts at sleep I got up and went into the kitchen. I looked around trying to find something that appealed to me but I didn't find anything so I gave up on that too. I sighed and went back to my bed not bothering to close my eyes. I just lay there staring up at my ceiling almost willing it to find a way to lull me to sleep.

I got up again and headed towards the bathroom, stripping off my clothing as I walked. I turned on the shower using only cold water and got inside. The shock of the cold water passed quickly and I stood there feeling the water fall on my body. I was getting more and more sleepless nights recently and that gave me yet another thing to think about.

Maybe I just needed someone to talk to. I haven't seen Yuna or Rikku for months, let alone have a decent conversation with them. Nooj and Gippal were too busy running their factions so I doubted they would actually have time to listen to me and I know that if I talk to Baralai about it he would worry about me too much for my liking.

I turned off the water and stood in the shower for a few minutes letting the water drip off of my body. After questioning the practicality of standing in the shower wet, naked, and cold I grabbed a towel and wrapped myself in it. I stepped out of the shower and put on some clean clothes. I walked over to my window and looked outside and at the rain that had been falling for days now.

I looked away from the window and walked back to my bed, sitting down on the edge. If my sense of timing was correct, which is usually was, the sun wasn't due to rise for at least four more hours. That meant that I needed to find something to entertain myself with for the next six hours before it was time for me to go to work.

I would go in earlier but I had been staying at work late recently and if I started going in early as well Baralai was bound to get curious and ask me what was wrong with me. I would lie to him and say that nothing was wrong but he would see right through it and figure it out anyway. _Stupid, he already knows, and I know that he knows. We were never good at lying to each other._

I was starting to get a headache with all this thinking. It sickened me that I had such poor control over my own mind. _I haven't seen myself like this since… no… I'm going to stop that thought right there. If I go there then I'm only bound to get worse. Still, this was different. The world was happy, my friends were alive and happy, then why the hell was I so miserable?_

I ran my hand through my hair realizing that it had gotten considerably longer than I liked it to be. _Why did I let it get so long?_ Yet another question that I didn't have the answer to. _Come on Paine, get a grip. You have every reason to be happy so be happy damn it. Fake it if you have to._ _Fake my happiness? For who, me or my friends? My friends. I would know better._

I lay down on my bed again, sick of staring at the chair that was next to my bed. I prefer to stare at my ceiling. I was focusing so hard on my ceiling that was almost certain that I was going to make a hole on it with my eyes. I would have laughed if I did. At least the blank surface stopped my mind from wandering any further.

I hadn't realized that I had been there for so long. I looked away from the ceiling only when sunlight started to come in through the open window and into my room making me squint. _Has it really been so long? I was only here for a few minutes. Or was I? Whatever. I didn't want to dwell on it any more._ I decided to go out for a walk since it was sunny finally. That should help.

I got up from my bed and walked out the door not bothering to lock it. It's not like I had anything worth stealing. Once outside I took in a deep breath. It felt good to breathe some fresh air, especially after all that rain. Nature's way of getting itself clean. It was cooler than it should have normally been. Of course it was. The sun hasn't been out for more than a week and winter was closing in.

I chose a direction to walk in and let my feet aimlessly move me forward. I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings. I was intently looking at my feet as they walked seemingly to nowhere but still moving me forward. I looked up only when I walked straight into someone. _That's what I get for not paying attention._

"Sorry." I mumbled to the man that I had walked into.

"Quite alright. It was partly my fault anyway." He said with a bright smile. "Too much on your mind?

"Not really." I lied. "I just had a rough night."

"Oh. Well then I will not keep you any longer. I do hope that you enjoy this nice day."

I nodded but didn't say anything in return. There was something about his tone that hinted towards a hidden meaning but I quickly dismissed it. I didn't anything else occupying my already full brain. I headed towards Bevelle temple, figuring that it was a decent time to start working. It wasn't the most exciting job but it was a job and I was grateful that Baralai had gotten it for me.

"Paine? You're unusually early." Baralai said as soon as I walked into the temple.

"I wanted to go for a walk so I figured that I should come in early today." I said mustering the best fake smile that I could.

"I see." He didn't say anything else and I knew that he wasn't convinced.

"Well I'm going to go get my day started. See you later 'Lai." I said with my fake cheeriness, walking past him. I made my way to my desk and immediately started working on the little bit of papers that I had left. With all the time that I have been spending at the temple recently I was well ahead in my work. I leaned back in my chair and I just knew that today was going to be a very long day.


	2. Silent Questioning and Comfort Food

**A/N: **I don't really have anything to say about this chapter. I just wanted to point out that anything in _italics_ is Paine thinking. Anyway, read, enjoy, and push that little review button when you're done. And a big thanks to **DragonGirl323 **for being the first, and only, reviewer so far.

**Disclaimer: **I'm getting sick of saying it but I do not own the rights for Final Fantasy X-2 even if it is in between my copy of FFX and FFXII.

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I had avoided Baralai as much I possibly could throughout the rest of that day. I had pretended to be busy, ignored him, or just simply left the room whenever he had been around. I knew that it hurt him to be ignored by me, especially since we were normally so close and in to be honest I was hurting myself by hurting him. I bore with it and went back to my apartment as soon as I could. Thankfully I managed to leave the temple without running into him.

When I got back to my apartment I was aware that not only did I not lock the door but that I had not eaten anything since early yesterday. It was a little sad that I had let my over-active mind take over me. As soon as I walked into my apartment I made my way to my kitchen and I found myself face to face with none other than Baralai himself.

"Leaving your door unlocked is a really bad idea." He said as he leaned against the wall with a small smile on his face.

"Unless somebody comes in to steal my bed and some clothes that I doubt they would like, I don't think I have to worry much." I said as I walked towards my fridge and took out the stuff necessary to make a few sandwiches.

"It's not your stuff that I'm worried about." He said with a look of concern on his face that he had tried to mask. "Is that all you are planning to eat?" He asked with obvious disapproval of my dinner choice.

"Why not? A few of these should hold me off until morning."

He chuckled and shook his head. I can't really blame him, cooking had never been my strong point. In fact the only thing that I knew how to cook properly without having it burn or explode was hard boiled eggs. _I definitely need to learn how to cook._

"You know what, how about I cook something for both of us?" He said finally stepping away from the wall.

"You cook?" I asked a little surprised. Amazingly, cooking skills had never come up in our countless conversations.

"Yes I cook, pretty decently if I say so myself." He said as he looked through my cabinets and fridge, taking some stuff out.

"Well then, I will have to see this for myself then." I said, smiling at him, as I sat down on top of my counter. He didn't say anything but he did give me a warm smile in return. I sat there while he cooked our meal, nothing but silence between us. Oddly, it was a comfortable type of silence that we both seemed to like. Soon the food was done and he handed me a plate full of pasta.

"Well it looks edible." I teased as he sat down next to me with his own plate. He laughed at my comment and we started to eat in silence. Again it was the comfortable silence that we were both used to. I remembered that Gippal used to tease us a lot about it. According to him there was no in-between with us, we either talked too much or not enough.

The silence was nice but I knew better than to expect it to last. I could almost feel Baralai trying to think of the right way to ask me what was wrong without making me angry. I decided to spare him the trouble.

"I'm fine you know." I said finally breaking our silence.

"You don't seem fine." He said trying not to look as concerned as he felt.

"Really I'm fine; I'm just having some trouble sleeping." Hey, I was being completely honest. I just happened to leave out the reason why I was having trouble sleeping but he really didn't need to know that.

"I see." I knew that he wanted to ask why but he knew me better to know that I wasn't going to answer that question. _Not yet, I need to sort things out on my own._

"I'm going to Besaid." I said suddenly.

"You are?" He asked truly surprised. _I am? When did I decide this?_

"Yes, I am. Why are you so surprised?"

"Well…uh…you never really liked the…um…togetherness of Besaid. You told me yourself that it was very suffocating." He had a point there.

"Well one of my best friends, which I haven't seen or spoken to in months mind you, lives there. I think that it's time that I suck it up and go visit her." _What the hell am I talking about?_ He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Point taken. Does that mean that you are going to Djose as well?" He asked. I hadn't really thought about going to Djose, then again I hadn't thought about going to Besaid either, but I might as well visit Rikku while I'm on the road.

"Yes, I am." _Seriously, when did I plan all of this?_

"That's good. You need to get out of Bevelle." He said with a small smile.

"I do?"

"Yeah, you do."

"…"

"Do you need a travel partner?" He asked after I kept silent for a little while.

"Don't you have New Yevon to run?" _He just wants to tag along to make sure that I go through with it._

"I think they could survive without me for a little while. In all honesty, I'm beginning to believe that they are getting sick of me." He said with a laugh and I couldn't help but laugh with him.

"Well you are a little pushy sometimes." I said with a smile. This only made him laugh harder.

"Just for that, you are now obligated to take me with you."

"Follow me if you want to but if you fall behind I'm going on without you."

"I'll believe it when I see it." He said as he jumped off of the counter and picked up our empty plates. It was my turn to rise and eyebrow but he just chuckled and washed up our dishes.

"Well I should probably be going." He said once he was done. I got up from the counter and walked him towards the door.

"I leave in two days; if you're not here I'm leaving without you."

"I will let the priests know that we will be gone for a few days." He said as he opened the door. I nodded.

"We should do this again some time."

"We should, especially since I have no cooking skills." We both laughed.

"Good night Paine." He said with a really warm smile.

"Good night 'Lai." He turned around and left and I closed the door with a sigh. _What was I thinking saying that I was going to Besaid? I don't want to go to Besaid. Well I do but that's really just to see Yuna. Like Baralai said, I don't really enjoy being in Besaid too much. Not because of the people but more of the way they were there. Whatever. I'm making too much out of this. Right now what I need is sleep. _I had just realized how tired I was. _Three nights of not sleeping well would do that to you. _I didn't bother changing into something more comfortable; I just slipped into my bed and slept better than I had in a long time.


	3. Good Idea?

**A/N: **You bet I'm putting up two chapters in one update. Why? Because I can. Mostly because I already had it written and figured I'd put it up as well. Sorry about the shortness but I will make up for it. I hope you guys still review.

**Disclaimer:** Seriously I think you guys should have gotten the point by now.

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Once I was in Besaid I began to wonder what I had been thinking when I told Baralai that I was going. Luck have it that Rikku was visiting Yuna at that time too so now I was stuck with little miss sunshine and little miss hyperactive nut with their respective significant others and progeny on a small island with a limited amount of people that I feel comfortable talking to for three days. _Joy. I just know I'm going to have a great time. Why did I come here again?_

"How have you been Paine?" Yuna asked with her never fading smile.

"Good. I've been working at Bevelle temple with Baralai." I said with my usual stoic attitude. _Translation: I've been stuck in Bevelle for almost a year and I haven't done anything productive with my life. I feel so proud of myself._

"I see. That' good." She said still smiling. _How can somebody smile so much?_ I nodded unenthusiastically.

"You bet that's good! She gets to work with Baralai everyday!" Rikku exclaimed right into my left ear._ Ow, my ear._

"How is that a good thing?" I asked as I rubbed my ear to stop it from ringing.

"Oh come on Paine, we all know that you are head over heels for him." Rikku said. She put her hand to her mouth and took a step back when I gave her a nasty glare.

"I like Baralai as a _friend_. Nothing more." I said with irritation clear in my voice. _Big fat lie. I'm crazy over Baralai but I would sooner jump into the ocean than admit it._ Yuna and Rikku shared a glance and a giggle.

"Then why did he come with you?" Yuna asked while she and Rikku dragged me towards Lulu and Wakka's hut. I didn't answer her question, not because I didn't want to but because I didn't know the answer.

"Long time no see ya. How've you been?" Wakka asked once Yuna and Rikku managed to successfully pull me inside the hut.

"I'm good. I decided to stay stick to one place for a while." I said as I pulled my arms away from Rikku and Yuna. "How has life treated you guys?"

"We're doing ok. One day at a time ya." He managed to say before a group of six overly energetic toddlers came running into the hut followed by Tidus, Gippal, and Baralai who seemed to be out of breath.

_So Gippal and Rikku brought Ruba with them. _I feel sorry for anybody who has to take care of all of them by themselves. Individually they weren't too bad, particularly Kaim, Wakka and Lulu's middle son, and Alain, Yuna and Tidus's daughter, they were pretty mellow. Vidina, Brerell, the youngest son of Lulu and Wakka, and Detic, Alain's brother, were a little more rambunctious but they could still be kept in line. Ruba, being the only daughter of Rikku and Gippal was somehow composed of energy. When you put them all together in a room chaos usually ensued. Somehow none of them have sustained any significant injuries.

"So Paine, when are you planning to have kids of your own?" Rikku suddenly asked and I choked on the water that I was drinking. _What the hell? I don't even have a boyfriend let alone kids._

"Who said I want kids?" I said once I managed to get my airway clear._ I doubt I'd be a good mother, I wouldn't have enough patience._

"We know that you have a soft side so don't deny it." She said getting close to me. "Especially towards Baralai." She said low enough so that only I could hear. It took a tremendous effort for me not to strangle Rikku right there but I managed it, without losing my composed face. She went back towards Yuna and Lulu and whispered something to them at which put a big smile on Yuna's face and made Lulu shake her head. I somehow already knew what it was all about. This was going to be a long three days.


	4. What are you then?

**A/N: **Egad! Could it be that I am putting up yet another chapter on the same day? Why yes I am, I'm cool like that. Hopefully that merits a review.

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The trip to Besaid had been fun…ish…somewhat. I had not realized that I missed Yuna and Rikku so much until I saw them again. Sure they had annoyed me until I almost snapped and not only that but they had tried to play matchmaker with me and Baralai but even so it was still nice to see them again. _It's a clear sign that I have been alone for too long when I willingly and fully admit that I had missed Rikku._

Now I was back home, by myself, and back to my old over-thinking habits. _Maybe I should just leave. Leave to where? Anywhere, everywhere. How vague. I don't care how vague it is, I need to get out of here. I've been here for too long. So you've finally recognized it. What? You have never been one to be in one place for too long. Why am I talking to myself in second person? Whatever. I need a walk. It's raining. Don't care. _

I let out a frustrated sigh and walked out of my apartment, remembering to lock the door so that Baralai could get off of my case. It took all of thirty seconds for me to get soaked once I was outside. To say that it was raining was an understatement; it would be more accurate to say that it was pouring. The fact that winter was almost here meant that it was quite chilly but still, the cold, hard rain felt nice.

After about forty minutes of walking _wandering really_, I thought it would be best to just enjoy the rain so I picked a good spot to sit down and look out to the ocean while the rain fell on my back.

"I had a feeling I'd be seeing you again." A male voice that I did not recognize said behind me. I jumped up immediately and turned around only to see the man that I had walked into last week standing there with a small smile on his face. I gave him a quizzical look but I didn't say anything.

"You seem to be the type of person that enjoys things like these." He said as he walked towards me, then past me to stand at the very edge of the cliff. _How the hell can he know what I enjoy? I've known him for less than five minutes._

"You might not want to stand there. That rock tends to suddenly break off." I said as I turned to walk away.

"Know this place well then?" He said taking a step back.

"You can say that." I said I took a few steps before he stopped me.

"How does it feel like to be a hero?" He asked and I turned around to look at him. He was still looking out towards the water but I could feel him smiling. _What is he babbling about?_

"What do you mean?" I asked keeping all emotion off of my face.

"You're a Gullwing, savior of all of Spira. That should qualify you as a hero." He explained.

_Of course, it always seems to end up here. This is one of the two major reasons why I decided to come back to Bevelle. I can't deal with all the attention._ "Yuna and Rikku are the heroes. I just went along for the ride." I said as I turned away again.

"Nobody else sees it that way you know." He said. I felt him turn around to look at me, well my back. _Yeah I know. That's why they won't leave me alone._

"Just goes to show how well they know me."

"You don't see yourself as a hero?'

_Can't say that I do._ "Not really." _I'm far from being a hero._

"What are you then?" _Now there's the question to end all questions. I don't really know what I am. A wanderer? A fighter? Someone?_

"Don't really know, don't really care." I said as I walked away, not giving him a chance to keep talking. Walking back towards my apartment the rain began to fall even harder if that was possible. Once I got back I realized how cold and wet I was. _A warm shower and more thinking is what I need._

I turned on my shower, took off my clothes, and stepped in closing my eyes as the warm water hit me. I tried to concentrate on the water but the question that the weird guy had asked me earlier was still ringing in my eyes. _What are you then? Yeah Paine, what are you?_ I turned off the cold water and let the almost boiling hot water hit my back as a list started to form in my head. _I'm an orphan, a wanderer, a lost soul, a warrior, a fighter, a thief, a killer, a traitor, a bad friend, a lost cause. I'm everything but a hero._

I let my skin burn in the hot water for a little while longer before getting out of the shower and putting on some clean sleeping clothes. I doubted that I was going to be able to sleep tonight and if I did go to sleep it wouldn't be a good one. Nightmares that I had though I put behind me long ago were bound to resurface. It wasn't going to be a good night.

Before I had a chance to properly settle myself in there was a knock on my door. I opened the door and there was Baralai standing there, in all his glory.

"Baralai? What are you doing here at this time?" I asked as I let him inside.

"My gut told me to come." He said and I couldn't help but chuckle a little.

"Well does your gut tell you to come to my apartment at weird hours often?"

"Only when you really need me." He said in all seriousness.

"What makes you think I need you?" I said my knee jerk reaction being to put myself up on the defensive. For a brief second he looked a little hurt but he recovered quickly.

"There is a reason why you're not sleeping right now." He said sitting down on the chair next to my bed. _He has a good point there. I should talk to him. Then again he has his own problems, I wouldn't want to burden him with mine as well._

I sighed as I sat down on the bed next to him. "It's nothing really. I have a lot on my mind and I need to sort it out." I said and he didn't believe one word. _It was worth a shot._ "I'm sorry Baralai but I really don't want to talk about it right now." I said as I lay down on the bed. I looked up at him and he looked really concerned. It was almost as if he could feel my brain thinking .

"Ignoring it is not going to help and I'm not going to leave until you talk to me." He said the assertiveness in his voice clear. _So this is going to be a battle to test who is more stubborn I see._ I took my eyes away from his and decided to stare at the ceiling instead. _I think there's a new dot on there._


	5. Beginnings and Possible Futures

A/N: Well I'm back after so long. My computer was out of commission for a while which made me get really behind. Now I _should_ have more written but I will fully admit that I have been lazy and put it to the side so I got to thank my boyfriend for helping me out with this chapter. Thank you to all of the readers who reviewed while I was away, reviews always make my day. Anyway, rate, review and as usual enjoy. By the way this chapter is in Baralai's point of view.

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I've always known that Paine was not an easy person to deal with. It was something that I had learned the very first day I met her back in our Crimson Squad days. I let out a small smile when I remembered our first meeting.

"_Hello." I said trying to be polite towards the newcomer. She looked at us and nodded her head a bit but she didn't say anything. Gippal looked at me with a questioning look but I just shrugged in return. We then went on with our training of the day._

"_Well she seems friendly." Gippal said to me after we finally had a chance to rest._

"_Maybe she's just nervous. It is her first day after all." I said._

"_Well she better suck it up She's in the Crimson Squad now and no one is going to go easy on her, even if she is a chick." He said as he took a seat on the ground next to me._

"_She's a woman Gippal, not a chick." I said not condoning such derogative terms for women._

"_Of course you might be the exception." He said smiling slyly._

"_What is that supposed to mean?" I asked punching his arm._

"_What he is trying to say is that there are times when you can be too much of a gentleman." Nooj said as he came up behind us._

"_There is no such thing as being too much of a gentleman." I said in my defense._

"_Which is why you will make a good husband someday." Nooj said a smile playing at his lips._

"_And why we tease you mercilessly now." Gippal added full out laughing._

"_Very funny guys. I just think that we should give her a chance to adjust. Weren't you guys nervous when you first started?_

"_No." They both said simultaneously albeit with different tones of voice._

"_Figures." I said getting up from the grass._

"_Where are you going?" Gippal asked me when I got up._

"_To be a proper gentleman." I said and walked away. _

_I found her by the edge of a cliff looking out towards the ocean. I don't know if it was because she looked so peaceful or if it was the way that the light made her seem like if she was glowing but at that moment I thought that she looked beautiful. I took a deep breath and walked up to her._

"_Anything interesting?" I asked standing next to her looking out towards the water. I looked down at her when she didn't say anything. She had not moved an inch or gave any indication that she had noticed my presence. Not one to give up so easily I sat down next to her, not too close but not so far either. Eventually I too got lost staring out into the ocean._

"_You're a good fighter." She said after so long that I almost missed it. I looked over to her with a surprised look on my face but she was still looking out to the ocean._

"_So…so are you." I stumbled out. I could have sworn that she gave a small smile but it could have been my imagination. I sat there mentally kicking myself. I knew that she was not going to be an easy nut to crack but I was willing to try anyway._

"_Baralai." I said sticking out my hand. If there is anyplace to start it's with introductions. She looked at my hand for a few seconds seemingly trying to decide what to do with it._

"_Paine." She said finally, shaking my hand._

I gave a small chuckle and smiled as I remembered our first meeting. It was an…interesting one to say the least and one that would set the tone for our future friendship.

"Why are you smiling at me?" She said suddenly which made me choke in surprise. _I should have known she was still awake._

"No reason, I just thought of something funny." I said. It was the truth after all.

"Right." She said as she turned over to her side to face me. _Of course she didn't believe me. I don't believe me._

"I see you're still waiting for me." She said.

"I always am."

"What do you mean?" She said raising an eyebrow.

"I'm always there for you, aren't I?"

"Well yeah but..." She looked unsure of herself.

"You're always looking for some excuse, aren't you? Why can't you just let me help you for once without going through all this trouble?" I said getting up from the chair. I was starting to get frustrated.

"Maybe I don't deserve to be helped. You ever thought of that?" She answered sitting up in the bed.

"What makes you think that? ...does that have anything to do with what's bothering you?"

"No. Maybe. I don't know! Can't you just let me deal with it on my own?!" She yelled at me standing up to meet me face to face.

"Why must you always try to solve everything by yourself? Maybe you don't have to go through it alone, ever thought of that?

"I've gone through a lot of things by myself. This is nothing that I can't handle."

"I'm not saying that you can't... I'm just saying that I am here for you, and that it wouldn't hurt if you could rely on others once in a while. Perhaps on me?"

"Maybe it would hurt. You're too close as it is."

"And you are close to me, that's why I trust you, why can't you trust me?"

"Because being too close might get you hurt!" I could tell by the look on her face that she had not meant to say that.

"Pushing me away is doing the same thing," I said in a low voice. "You mean a lot to me and I can't stand seeing you like this."

"Please don't do this to me." I couldn't believe that she was pleading.

"Then please, stop being so stubborn." I said also pleading.

"No! I refuse to lose anybody else!" I saw her cringe at the words which led me to believe that she had not meant to say that either.

"I'm not going anywhere, ever. You'll have me by your side, always." _Anybody else?_ The words rang in my ears. _Is this what had her so work up? Who else had she lost?_

"You don't get it! I'm dangerous! I could get you killed!" Something else that she had not meant to say.

"And how will that be different from all the danger we've faced until now?"

"I can't go through that twice."

"Go through what twice? What are you talking about?" I was confused. I had no idea what she was talking about anymore.

"Forget I said anything. It's not important." She said as she turned away from me.

"Paine," I said putting a hand on her shoulder, "Please..."

She shook her head. "Just forget it Baralai. Let me just deal with the war in my head by myself."

"You're just being stubborn, why torture yourself with this?"

"Because I deserve it."

"No, you don't, no one deserves that." _She needs to give me some sort of clue here._

She sighed. "I'm not so sure others would agree with you."

"Does it matter what others think? It's you and me that we're talking about." She turned around and looked at me with a pleading face. She seemed to be at a loss for words.

I stepped towards her, my eyes fixed on hers. "Paine, please..." I said close enough to feel her breath. I don't know if it was being that close to her, or if it was the tension between us, but... I kissed her. I pressed my lips to hers and for a moment stopped thinking, or rather I refused to think of anything but her. I had half expected her to slap me or in the very least push me away and yell at me to get out but to my surprise she actually kissed me back. It was actually the one to break the kiss and look at her in surprise.

"I shouldn't have done that." She said.

"No, I..." _I what? What could I say? What did I want to say? __Why is she apologizing? I'm the one who kissed her. Sure she kissed me back but I was still the one at fault._

"I need to go for a walk." She said. I looked out the window and saw that it was yet again pouring rain.

"You shouldn't go out now," I said. I was avoiding what I wanted to tell her... "Please, don't go..."I could tell that she was fighting with herself in silence.

"Don't worry. A little rain isn't going to kill me."

There was nothing I could say to change her mind. I knew that. She was being stubborn as always. "Alright," I said. _She needs this._

"I'll be back. You could stay here if you want." She said then she walked out. I slapped myself in the back of the head. _You're an idiot Baralai._


	6. Insult to Injury

A/N: Yeah I'm putting up another chapter in the same night. I figured I should make up for not updating sooner. This one goes back to being in Paine's point of view and if Paine or Baralai seem OOC keep in mind that this was written at three in the morning. Again, rate, review, and enjoy.

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_What the hell was I thinking?! I should have never let it get that far!_ I let out a frustrated sigh as I raked my hand over my wet hair. _Now he probably thinks I'm mad at him. It would be easier if I was mad at him but I just can't be._ Reaching my favorite spot by the cliff I sat down and stared out into the darkness.

"Stressed, aren't we?" Said the same voice that had greeted me last time I had come here. "I knew you would come, you always do when you have to think about... well, everything really."

_What is up with this guy? Is he stalking me or something? _ "It's peaceful. Helps me relax." I said.

"Yes, you've always liked this sort of weather," He said walking closer to me, "You and me, we aren't all that different. It is this sort of mood that inspires me to produce my best work."

"Work?" I asked raising an eyebrow. "Writer?" I guessed. _This guy is starting to bother me._

"Yes, you could say that." Once more, he walked towards the edge, looking out to the ocean. "But you... you come here whenever you have problems, care to talk about them?"

"Not you too. What is so wrong with dealing with problems on your own?!" I yelled out in frustration. I knew that I shouldn't take it out on this guy but I really did not want to talk about my personal wars.

"Oh, there is nothing wrong with that, but do you really think you can handle this on your own? People adore you, and you hate them. He tries to help you, and you push him away... poor Baralai, he probably hates you for it. You say that you want to work things out on your own, you preach in your mind about how much you do not want to have your love ones involved... and yet, you toss them aside, you hurt them like you cannot even imagine."

_How does he know about Baralai? And what the hell does he know about me?_ _The further away from me the better they all are._

"You know nothing about me so stop accusing me of things. I can handle this on my own." I said my temper flaring up. _Keep cool Paine. Just keep cool._

"You're right, I know nothing about you... so why don't you tell me?"

I glared at him and let out a sigh. "There's not much to tell." I said.

"Now, there's a lie. The look in your eyes, your posture, your voice, they all betray you. But even if what you say is true, what little there is, I would like to hear."

_Is this guy serious? I swear I'm going to deck him by the time I leave._ "Fine let me rephrase. I don't want to talk about myself."

"It's people like you that make for the best of stories." He grinned and walked pass me, away from the cliff.

"Have it your way, don't open up. But keep in mind that Baralai just wanted to help, and you turned him down... how do you think he will act next time you do need his help? He will grow tire of waiting. He will leave you... everyone leaves eventually. Ah, but you wonder, what if you did tell him? Would he stay then? Would he kiss you again? Or will he be taken from you like those that came before him?"

I stared at the back of his head dumbfounded. _Would he stay if I told him the truth? Would he be afraid of me? No, I can't get him in deeper._

"Just leave me alone. Haven't you fucked with my head enough already?!"

_Leave before I hurt you._

"Tell him or don't, it makes little difference. You've messed with everyone's lives enough, don't you think? Perhaps it would be for the best if you just left."

That made me stop dead in my tracks. _You don't think I've thought of that already? I know I'm hurting them. I can't just screw them over by leaving._

"Did you just wake up one day and say I'm going to mess with somebody's mind today?"

"Quite the contrary, I am trying to help you... but you simply won't listen to reason."

"So what, I'm crazy now for not wanting help?" I said shaking my head.

_Maybe you are. You do have conversations with yourself in your head a lot after all. Shut up me._

"You just might be... but enough for today, we'll meet some other time. Perhaps then you might want to talk to me about what tortures your soul."

And with that he walked away leaving me in the rain. I started to shake and I wasn't sure if it was the anger or if it was the cold. _I should go back. This guy might change his mind and try to pick my brain again._

The sound of the door woke Baralai up who had been dozing off. "You're back." He said. "Feeling better?"

"Define better." I said with more spite in my voice than I should have. I saw the look on Baralai's face and quickly apologized. "Sorry it's just...not really my night."

"A warm shower and a good night rest is just what you need."

_I probably need a drink too but he doesn't need to know that._

"You're right." I said. I sighed. "I'm sorry about earlier."

"It was my fault, not yours... I shouldn't have done that."

"I'd be lying to myself if I said that I didn't want it or like it. You didn't do anything wrong."

He smiled. "I... I enjoyed it too."

I couldn't help but laugh in spite of myself. "That's good I guess." It felt like it had been so long since I had last laughed, truly laughed.

You should laugh more often; you look great when you smile."

"I...uh...I'm going to...um...take a shower now. I'll be back." I stuttered out. _Oh good grief, I am going crazy._

When I got out of the shower I found Baralai waiting for me in the kitchen with some food. "Have you eaten something today?" He asked.

"I don't really remember the last time I ate." I said truthfully taking the plate of food that Baralai had for me.

"Don't be sorry." I said noticing his discomfort. _I probably should leave this alone but I can just leave him like that either._

"I'm not... I'm fine, don't worry."

Again we were in that silence mode that we were both used to. Silence was something that we could both deal with since it has always been that way. "Thank you." I said. _Thank you? Is that all that I can say?_

"Thank you?" He asked a confused look on his face. "What for?"

"I don't know yet."

"Then why thank me? You have no reason to."

"Maybe I do maybe I don't. Maybe I'm just thanking you in advanced." _Yeah, I'm officially crazy. Why was I thanking him? _"You know what, forget I said anything."

"Alright, alright..." He said taking a bite to eat.

"Do you think I'm crazy?" I said suddenly causing him to choke on his food.

"What?" He asked still coughing.

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

"No!" He blurted out. "What would make you think that?"

"I was just asking. No need to get so excited." I said putting my empty plate in the sink. "Thank you for the food."

"Now you have a reason to say thank you." He said putting his own plate in the sink. "You should get some rest now."

"I think you're right." I said with a sigh. I knew I wasn't going to get much sleep tonight but it was worth a try at least.


	7. A Silent War and a Confession

A/N: Well now that I am back on track I can upload a lot sooner. This is the longest chapter I have ever written and I am very proud of that. A lot of thought and work went into this so it would be nice if you guys could reward me with some reviews, and I realized that I haven't given my reviewer their proper thanks. I do appreciate them. Now as usual, enjoy.

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I resisted the urge to bang my head against my solid wood desk. Not only would that draw attention to me but that would most likely hurt. I settled for heaving a big sigh instead. _I hate this job, why am I still here? I'm bored out of my mind, everyone hates me, and I am way out of my element._ I grumbled to myself as I started folding a piece of paper into a throwing star.

_Why did I bother to come back? _I couldn't remember why I had gotten this job in the first place. I hated it then, and I hate it all the more now. But it was all I had. _Maybe I should take the stalker's advice and just leave._

I prayed for the day to be over as I started to work on my second star. Once people started leaking out of the temple I bolted. I would not stay there any longer than I needed to. _No one needs me, so why not just leave? Because that's exactly what the stalker wants me to do. But isn't it for the best? Maybe... _My head started to hurt, I was thinking too much into this. But it would be good to get away from the monotony of Bevelle.

_Then again last time I tried that I went straight into the prying hands of Rikku and Yuna._ I wanted to bang my head against something again; thankfully I didn't have my desk around. _I could always try the wall._ I gave a small growl of frustration and looked up at the sky. It was dark grey and was undoubtedly going to rain again. _I hate the winter. It rains way too much._

I picked up my pace; I wanted to get home before it started to pour. I was not in the mood to get wet. _Home, now there's an alien concept._ I found it hard to remember the last time I consider someplace to be _home_. It began to drizzle. _Shit, just my luck..._ I made it home just before it started to rain really hard.

_Home? What is home? Home is home, right?_ I laughed a little to myself. The last time I was truly home I was eight. That was sixteen years ago. It was not something that I liked remembering, it made everything now seem emptier than it was. _Sixteen years is a long time to hang on to a memory_.

I had been happy once. _Happy... I'm not even sure what that means anymore._ Sometimes I'm not really sure I'm even there. Walking towards the shower I caught sight of a picture, one that Rikku had insisted on taking after we defeated Shuyin. "So we don't forget each other." She had said. I looked at the semi-smile of my face, one that was more out of relief that actual happiness.

I tried smiling. My lips felt unnatural, it was annoying. _Why am I doing this?_ Leaving the picture face down on a small side-table I walked into the bathroom. I undressed and got in the shower, letting the warm water trail down by body. _What's the point? _It was like the point of taking a shower, I'm most likely going to go outside in the rain anyway which would then mean that I would need to take another shower. _Great, now I'm questioning the point of my shower._ I let out a harsh chuckle.

I got out, dried myself and walked naked to my room for some fresh clothes. Anything would have done. _What now?_ Dressed I went to the kitchen, my stomach grumbling a bit. _Dinner I guess..._ My stomach called for food, but I didn't felt all that hungry, the thought of eating alone repelled my desires for food. _You're alone, you've always been alone, might as well get used to it. Yeah... I guess I should. __Do I even have any food?_

I started to look around the cabinets for something. I found a lonely box of long forgotten cereal and settled for that. It wasn't even open. _When did I buy cereal?_ I opened the box and stuck my hand in bringing a handful to my mouth as I sat by the window. Baralai would be horrified if he saw what my dinner choice was. _Right, Baralai. Emotional problem number one._

I wanted to kiss him. He kissed me. I wasn't expecting him to kiss me out of the blue. _Why did he? He just complicated things more! But you wanted him to kiss you. I know but... You kissed him back. Yeah, but why did he have to do that to me?_ I took a handful of cereal chewing it vigorously. _It needs milk..._

I grabbed a bowl from the cupboard and poured some cereal and milk into it. I took out a spoon and started eating. _He wouldn't have kissed you if you had not let him get that close. Or maybe he would have. Great I'm contradicting myself while contradicting myself._ I willed my head to shut up while I ate my bowl of cereal.

With the bowl and spoon on the sink, I left the kitchen. _What am I going to do?_ I hated work. No one needed me. There was nothing for me to do. I felt empty. I went to my room letting myself fall on my bed with my eyes staring at the floor. _Face it, you have nothing. Maybe we should leave? ...we? I can't believe I am acknowledging the voices in my head. __I really am going crazy._

"Damn it." I said when a sudden knock on my door made me jump right out of my bed.

"It's open." I said from the floor. I looked up to see Baralai's worried face. _I should have known._

"Paine? Are you ok?" He asked with concern on his face.

"I'm fine. I just really like the floor."

"We have to talk," he said. Sitting on the bed above me I could feel his steady chocolate brown eyes looking down at me.

"I don't have to do anything." That came out harsher than it should have. I closed my eyes, hoping for everything to just go away. I wanted to be alone. _Weren't you complaining about being alone just a few minutes go?_

"Don't be like that." My body went stiff.

"I'm fine." I told him letting out sigh, "You worry too much. I just need to be alone." _Liar. You care about him so much and yet you keep lying to him._

"You always say that, and I have reason to worry."

I opened my eyes and raised an eyebrow. "What makes you say that?"

"Well for one you're laying down on the floor." That brought out a very minute smile from me that I'm pretty sure he did not fail to notice.

"Are you really going to start this again?" I said.

"This is not good for you. You know that just as well as I do." _I guess that's a yes._

"Did you come here just to scold me?" I didn't want this, not now.

"No. I was worried... and I wanted to see you. You left work without a word to anyone."

_I always do that._

"I was in a rush."

"To do what?" _Maybe I should tell him. But what will he say? No, I can't have him share my problems. _

"Nothing. I just want to be alone."

"Please, we really should talk."

_And say what exactly._

"I don't have much to say."

"You never have much to say, that's the problem."

"Baralai, I..." I cut myself short. _Be careful of what you say. I know._

"No matter how many times you say you don't need my help I will try to help you."

_Don't say anything. _

"Talk to me, please." He said as I got up from the floor.

"I just need sometime to myself." I walked out of the room heading for the front door. Some fresh air, that's what I needed. That and a long walk. _I knew that shower was going to be wasted._ It was still raining outside. I didn't get very far before he grabbed my arm and turned me around.

"Stop running away from me, please." I could see the hurt and sadness in his face. _You're killing him inside, you know you are. Yeah I know. I'm not exactly proud of it.  
_

"I have to run away from you. Please let me go."

"What? Why? What are you talking about?" There was confusion in his face, his gaze never leaving me.

"I... just leave me alone!" I shouted pulling my arm from him. He didn't let me go.

"Is that what you want?" He asked. He sounded really hurt. His eyes looked away from me. He seemed crushed. _You see, you hurt everyone, even when you don't want to. _

_No, I... _"...didn't mean to." Panic rushed through me. I had slipped. I hadn't wanted to say that.

"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean it like that." I said quickly. He let go of my arm but didn't say anything. _Hurting people is the only you are good at. _

"If you want to leave then leave. I'm not stopping you anymore." _See what you've done?_

"Baralai, please, I..."

_What are you doing? Leave! _I didn't say anything else as I rushed out of the house. The rain soaked me. I was cold. My body shivered and I let out a sob. _What are you doing? You're not supposed to cry. Don't cry. _I closed my eyes and ran blindly away from the house. I didn't know where I was going, but anywhere would be fine so long as I didn't have to see Baralai's broken expression.

_This is why you shouldn't let them in. You'll just end up hurting them in the end. That's not true! Yes it is, just look at what you did to Baralai. I didn't mean it, I was just frustrated. You are just lying to yourself. No! Shut up!_

"SHUT UP!" I yelled at the sky. _Are you happy now?_

"Are you alright?" His voice startled me. He stood there, soaked and breathing heavily. He had run after me.

"I..." I didn't know what to say.

What could I say to him? _Leave. You'll hurt him again. Maybe the stalker was right after all._ The rain showed no signs of stopping. I was wet and cold, and felt like crying. _Go ahead. It's raining. No one will know. Cry. ...I won't. _He didn't say anything. He just stood there, looking at me. Waiting for me. He got closer to me. I took a step back.

I saw another wave a pain shoot through his face. _Break him some more why don't you._

"Why are you doing this to me? To you?" He asked. He wanted to take another step towards me but didn't.

"It's better that way."

"No it's not!" Crimson eyes met chocolate brown eyes and I instantly regretted having looked up. _Look at what you are doing. You bring nothing but pain with you. Shut up!_

"I really am sorry." I said. This time he did take a step forward.

"You don't have to go through this alone," he said, "I'm here for you."

_I know... I know. That's what makes this so hard._ I wanted him to hold me. To comfort me. I wanted to feel his lips on mine again. _You can't have him. You'll only make him suffer. I... no, that's not true! It is. And you know it._ I shut my eyes, hard. _Shut up, shut up, shut up!_ I didn't want to hear them. Why couldn't they just go away?

"Baralai, I..." Another step forward.

"You don't have to say anything." _But I want to. I want to tell you how much you mean to me. Careful, that is dangerous ground you are walking on._

"Why are you doing this?" I asked.

"Because I care about you a lot, is that so hard to understand?" _Yes! Yes, it is. Why care about me? All I've done is hurt you!_

"Paine, listen, I..." He stepped closer to me, almost staggering over me.

"You mean a lot to me, you always have." My body stiffened. He placed his hands on my shoulders, looking at me straight in the eyes.

"I'm doing this because I love you and it took me all of three seconds to decide to run after you." He said. _No! You can't... you can't! I'll hurt you. Baralai, please..._ Tears swelled in my eyes. I wanted to hit him. _Why!?_ But I couldn't. I pushed myself against him and kissed him.

_What are you doing? Stop this now before you both get hurt. No! I don't want to. Not anymore. Stop now! _Even fighting the war in my head I couldn't help but melt in the kiss. When it became absolutely necessary for me to breathe I pulled back. Baralai looked at me with very wide eyes. That was probably the last reaction he had expected.

"I..." was the first thing that escaped my lips. _What, you're sorry? No. Maybe. I don't know yet._

"Don't," he said.

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him and I had to admit that I liked it. _He's going to suffer once you're gone. I'm not leaving... not anymore. You are. You have to. You know that. I don't want to... _We both were soaked, I was cold, and I shivered feeling his warm body holding me. That only made him hold me tighter.


	8. I Quit

A/N: Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up but it was honestly a bitch (pardon my language) to get down on any type of paper. Just goes to show that you should never try to write without having a clear plan of where you are going. That aside I hope that it isn't as crappy as it seems. Read, review, and enjoy.

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My last sheet of paper had just been turned into a ninja star. _252 ninja stars, and 124 swords… why do I even bother coming to work?_ Opening a drawer I placed the ninja star along with the rest of my paper weapon collection. My eyes felt heavy; I hadn't had much sleep the night before. And worst of all I was bored.

I kept my eyes on the pencil that lay at my desk that for the most part had been left unused since I began working. _Baralai…_ Images of yesterday crossed my mind. _No. Don't think about that. _I let my head fall onto the desk with a thud. _Ouch... His lips on mine… his hands holding me – No, I mustn't think about it._

I spent what seemed to be like hours rolling the pencil back and forward on the desk, blowing stray strands of hair away from my face. _So this is the new low boredom has led me to? _I do not know when I finally gave in and closed my eyes.

"_I'm doing this because I love you…" No! You can't… you can't! Baralai, please I'll end up hurting you… _  
I tried to run, but I couldn't, my body wouldn't move. I leaned forward towards him and –  
My eyes snapped opened and I sat up with a jolt hitting my head with the wall behind me. _Why did I have to do that…? I shouldn't have done that. Does that mean that we're a… --_

I couldn't bring myself to thinking it, much less saying it. He and I we weren't, we couldn't be a couple. _Could we?_ Frustrated I got up and walked straight to Baralai's office. _What are you going to say to him? I don't know… _I was at his door, still uncertain about what I was going to say.

"She's a menace to you, to us… to New Yevon."

"We can't take responsibility for her. She is too much of a liability."

"She can't be trusted; you know it as well as we do. She doesn't believe in the teachings of New Yevon."

"She'll blind your judgment –"

"Enough!" said Baralai. I hadn't heard him so angry before.

_They're talking about you. You're causing trouble for him, like you always do. __This is all your fault; you should have left before it came to this._

"Praetor Baralai, we are merely saying that you should think about your relationship with the girl."

"There is nothing to think about, I'm truly sorry if you cannot accept that."

_No. Why is he fighting for me? He shouldn't be._ I wanted to run away but I couldn't. It was as if I were glued in place listening to a conversation that I know I was never meant to hear.

"You have already begun to neglect your duties as praetor for the sake of that girl."

"I am perfectly able to handle my duties as praetor; my relationship with Paine is outside the lines of work."

"You've already began spending less time at the temple --"

"My responsibilities are still getting met regardless of that, I don't see a problem."

"It is taking you much longer to meet your goals than it should."

"My work is getting done regardless. What I do or do not do in my personal life should not be of concern to you!"

I never thought that I would ever hear Baralai this angry. _Stop please. Don't do this for me._ I was begging with him in silence. _You don't have to go this far._ _See what you have done?_ I wanted to march straight into the room and start hitting all of the priests but I was still frozen in place.

"Your duty as praetor should come first. You are looked upon by all followers of New Yevon for guidance. You cannot let your relationship with that girl affect that."

"And I am not."

"Or so you say. We have noticed the change in you because of her."

"If I have it has only been for the better."

_It's all your fault. It always is. Are you just going to stand there? Do something. No, I'll just make it worse. What will you do then? Run. I can't. Yes you can. He's better off that way. It will hurt him._ Even at the risk of becoming crazier than I already was I ran. I ran out of the temple and promised myself that I would never set foot in it again.

I didn't slow down until I was back at my apartment. My brain was still fighting with itself and it was really starting to hurt. I couldn't stay here. He was bound to come looking for me here, he always did. _You have no where else to go. Anywhere else is better than staying here._

I walked over to the closet and took out a traveling bag. _I can't do this. You've done it before. But he'll be so hurt if I leave. He'll be hurt if you don't. Just stop._ I slowly started packing some clothes still debating if I should go or not. It was one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't situations.

I wasn't looking at what I was packing; I was just putting things inside the bag. _Hurry, he's bound to come look for you. I know, I know... _My movements were mechanical, packing whatever I could get a hold off first. _It's for the best. Is it? Yes, you won't hurt him anymore. But aren't I hurting him by leaving? And it will be for the last time. It'll be better this way._

Once I was sure nothing else was going to fit in the bag I closed it and threw it on my bed. _Am I really doing the right thing? Of course you are. You should have never come back in the first place._ I took a deep breath and picked up the bag. I walked to the door and opened coming face to face with none other than Baralai himself. I took a step back and simply looked at him.

"You took off early today, are you alright?" He asked. "Yeah..." I said, unsure of what else I could say to him.

_Don't tell him. He doesn't need to know. He'll find out later, it'll be easier that way. Easier? ...for whom? _

"Shouldn't you still be at the temple?" I asked taking another step back. I looked down at the floor afraid to meet his eyes.

For some reason I always had the notion that he could see into my soul when we met eyes. _Coward. You can even talk to him face to face. I'm not a coward._

"Well, you're not the only one that needs a break from time to time." He smiled. _Why are you smiling? _I gave him a quick glance and looked away.

"But I have my excuse, I don't get breaks all that often. How about you? Surely there must be some reason why you left, isn't there?"

"I uh...wasn't feeling well." I said. I felt like I was three feet tall and Baralai was looking down on me with disgust. _He should be after all you have put him through._

"I see. You should go get checked." He said. "No. I'll be fine. Really." I mumbled. _Will you? You don't seem to be holding up very well._

"Let's go for a walk." He suggested.

"No, I... I have things to do." He frowned. _Stop lying, he can see right through you. I know... I know... Such disappointment in his eyes, but he won't have that look for long. Not once you're gone. ...will he worry?_

"I want to tell you something before you leave." He said. I looked at him with my eyes wide.

"You..."

"I'm not stupid Paine. I know you." _Of course he knows._

"Baralai..."

"You don't have to say anything. I just want to talk."

I wasn't left with much of a choice. I stepped aside for him to come in, and silence entered with him. _You must leave, remember that. You're always causing him trouble, when all he's ever done is look after you. _

"Any ideas of where you're going?" He asked.

"No, not really. Anywhere I guess."

"Why?" He said as he sat down on my bed. I didn't answer and he looked at me with such a pained look that I wanted to break down and cry. _He knows. He knows and it's killing him. _

"You wanted to talk to me about something." I said trying to change the subject.

"Yeah, I did. I wanted to talk about you... and me." My eyes went wide. Memories flooded my head.

"No need to look so mortified about it," he said.

"Right..." I answered him.

"I quit." He said. I stared at him, not really comprehending what he meant.

"What?" was the only coherent thing that I could say.

"I quit. I am no longer the praetor of New Yevon." He said smiling although I'm pretty sure that it was just a coping mechanism.

"Why? That was your life!" I said finally letting go of the bag in my hand. _You know why he did it._

"My job. It was my job, not my life." He said.

"That's pretty much the same to you. You loved what you did, being praetor _was_ your life." His eyes flickered away before looking at me in the face once more.

"Things change. And I wasn't going to keep dealing with the priest. I told you, you aren't the only one who gets tired of things after awhile."

"This is all my fault." I said leaning against the wall to keep myself from falling.

"No it's not. This was long coming."

"I know that the priests were giving you grief because of me."

"No. They were just making a big deal about nothing."

"What are you going to do now?"

"I'll figure something out. It's been a while since I was able to do what I wanted." He smiled at me and I wanted to melt into the wall. _He did this because of you. It's all your fault. I know! _

"It was my choice."

"Yeah... and I forced you into it."

"You don't really believe that, do you?" _Yeah, I do. Because it's true. _I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"Baralai, you shouldn't do this!" I blurted out. I couldn't have him lose his job because of me. It was because of me.

"I couldn't do it anymore Paine! I needed to quit." _No no no. He shouldn't be doing this._

"Things weren't very friendly with the priests anymore."

"I... I overheard your conversation with the priest. Don't lie to me, you quit because of me!" Baralai sighed.

"Listen to me, please. I couldn't do it anymore. What's so hard to understand about that? The priest were drowning me with work, I hardly had time off. And then they wanted me to give up my personal life. What time I could spend with you. Please, you yourself hate your job. Aren't I allowed that same privilege?"

I didn't say anything in response and resorted to looking back at the floor. _What have you done to him? Nothing. I didn't mean to._

"You never told me why you were leaving." He said and I looked back at him. "I need some time to think, and maybe a little sunshine." I said in a pitiful attempt of a joke.

"Right." He said. I looked back at the floor. _It was a bad idea to talk to him._

"You haven't changed, always needing to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders."

I looked at his face again but didn't give him an answer. _You need to leave now. Just a little bit longer. No!_

"Please stay." He said in little more than a whisper.

"I'll think about it." I said matching his whisper.


	9. Even Sensible People Do Stupid Things

A/N: Let this chapter be a warning, I've seen a lot of people do really stupid things when they are drunk. That being said, this is one of the reasons why I am upping the rating for the fic. Lemon chapter so if you don't like, don't read, you have been warned.

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_You can't stay, you know that. He asked me to. That doesn't matter, you don't belong here. But he wants me here. You'll hurt him. I'll hurt him more if I leave! _I let out a sigh, trying to clear the knot that formed in my throat. The breeze felt good against my skin. The ocean was calm. Always the perfect spot for me to think things through.

"A lot on your mind it seems." A voice that I was beginning to become familiar with said from behind me.

"Not really." I said closing my eyes trying to concentrate on the ocean again.

"Right," he said as he stood next to me, "because a lot of people look so worried over nothing."

"What is it you want from me?" I said.

"Want? I told you before, didn't I? I just want to help you. A person with so many problems, a tragic past and an uncertain future, they never do well on their own."

"Just shut up. If you really want to help me, just get the hell out of here and leave me alone." The man chuckled.

"Now, now, let us not get aggressive." I couldn't help but laugh in spite of myself.

"Buddy you do not know the meaning of aggressive." _I could use you to vent of my frustration. That would be aggressive._

"Well apparently our views differ but we shall not get into that. Are you still unwilling to talk to me?"

"Aren't I always? Just give it up and leave me alone." I said calmly. Either he left or I did, I really wasn't in the mood to deal with him.

"That's a rather poor choice on your part. Well all need someone who would listen to us. Everyone. You included."

"But I am sure that that person doesn't have to be you."

"So you do admit that you need to talk to someone." He said. I glared at him before I answered.

"I never said that."

"You have people willing to listen to you. Why can't you just accept their offer?"

"Nobody should have to deal with my problems except me."

"Maybe it's that flawed logic that is making you feel this way."

"I didn't ask for your opinion. Go away."

"My opinion is never asked, just given."

"Oh, for the love of... either you leave, or I do." I got up and walked away from the cliff. I still hadn't solved anything. My head was still a mess. And that stalker was at it again. Always waiting for me at the cliff when I needed to be alone.

"You haven't decided on anything yet, why go? You'll just end up coming back to think things through."

"What, you're going to follow me now?" The way he smiled made me want to deck him but I maintained control.

"I'm not following you. I just happen to be going in the same direction. Besides, I'm not that easy to get rid of."

"You really are a stalker."

"No no no. I just know you really well." I kept on walking trying to ignore the stalker. I tried to get my thoughts back on track, what was I going to do. Stay, leave? But couldn't. I could feel the man's steady gaze on my back, and for some reason it felt unnerving.

I finally made it back to my apartment, and locking the door just in case, I laid down on my bed. _Now I'm annoyed and no closer to a solution than I was when I left. Maybe you should take his advice. Not you too. Don't get mad at me, I'm just a voice in your head._ I sighed and sat up looking around my room for something, I wasn't really sure what.

I ended up taking a shower. Then getting back to my room with a bottle of whiskey I had been saving. _Haven't decided what you're gong to do? No, not yet, hence the bottle. _I changed into a pair of sweats and a loose t-shirt before laying myself down on the floor and taking a swing at the bottle. _I want to stay. He wants me to stay. Shouldn't that be reason enough for me to do just that? You know it's not._

I took another swing from the bottle taking my time swallowing it. _If I do leave where am I going to go? You are bound to find someplace. What if I don't? What do I do then?_ I jumped up when I heard somebody knock at the door. I was tempted to ignore it just in case it was the stalker but I reasoned that it could also be somebody else.

"Who is it?"

"It's me." Said Baralai's voice. I opened the door and he gave me a weird look before walking in.

"Something wrong?" He asked.

"No. Why do you ask?"

"Well, you smell of alcohol, and you locked your door. You never lock your door."

"Yes, well, I was drinking and I didn't want anyone to walk in if I happened to pass out." He seemed a bit disturbed by my response.

"Right."

"I was just kidding." I said walking back into my room and taking my position back on the floor.

"Is the floor really that comfortable?"

"For the time being."

"I see."

"You seem tense."

"I've never seen you drinking and it's a little disconcerting." I took another swing from the bottle and chuckled a little. He tried to show a smile, but failed miserably.

"What? It's not like you've never drank before."

"No, but I've never drank... well, like that." He said watching me take another swing of the bottle.

"Here" I said pushing the bottle to him. He took it, still with that uneasy look.

He shrugged a little and took a gulp, making a face when the alcohol burned his throat.

"What am I drinking again?"

"Whiskey. You get used to it after a while."

"I see." He gave me the bottle back still making a face.

"May I ask why you are drinking that?"

"Don't know." I felt warm. "So, why are you here?"

"What? I can't come to visit?"

"You always have a reason to."

"I just wanted to see you."

"...and ask me if I had decided on staying?" I mumbled.

"Yeah... and that" He admitted. I took another swing of the bottle and smiled.

"I don't know yet."

"I see." He said as he sat down on my bed.

"Yeah." I answered passing the bottle back to him. He still looked a little wary but took a drink anyway. He made less of a face this time around.

"Like I said, you get use to it."

"Yeah." He said with a grin. I took the bottle and took a long gulp. My head was starting to get fuzzy. _You're drinking too much. I'm not. Are too. Just shut up and let me enjoy this. _

"What are you going to do now?" I asked suddenly passing the bottle back to Baralai.

"What do you mean?" He took a gulp and passed it back.

"You have to find something to do now that you are not praetor."

"Oh. Right. I haven't decided yet. I'm pretty sure I'll come up with something."

"Right. You always do." I said.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." We passed the bottle to one another in silence, taking a swing of it. I was lying on the floor staring at the ceiling; the bottle was nearly empty by now.

"So, what are we?" I asked out of the blue. _Dangerous question. I have to know before I decide anything. Since when. Since I decided to share a bottle of whiskey with Baralai. I told you you were drinking too much. Shut up. _Baralai raised an eyebrow at me.

"Uh...human as far as I can tell."

"Ass. That's not what I meant."

"Well... then I don't know." He said, "I mean, we kissed. And I love you. Does that make us a couple?" He said drinking some more. _Does it? I don't know. Tell him no then. Why? You don't know, it might as well be a no._

"I don't know." I answered honestly.

"Well neither do I so I guess we just have to figure it out." He said. It was my turn to take a drink.

"Uh...right." I said as I finished off the bottle. My head was swimming by now. _Drinking was a really bad idea. You know how you get. I don't need a lecture from you._

"You know, I am not used to drinking this stuff. It's pretty strong."

"You get used to it." I said looking at him. Our eyes met. And then there was silence. _You're drunk, you should go to sleep before you do something stupid. I'm fine... I'm not drunk._ I got up, stumbling, my hands reaching out for the bed to hold myself up. But it was Baralai's arms that caught me from falling.

"You're drunk." He said looking at me tenderly.

"I am not drunk!"

"Don't know. Gravity might be saying otherwise."

"I'm fine. I just got up too fast." Baralai was trying not to laugh but was failing.

"If you say so."

"No need to sound so condescending."

"I'm not being condescending."

"Yes you are."

"Ok fine. I'm being condescending."

"Now you're just being a jerk."

"If I was I would have let you fall." I rolled my eyes at him.

"Yeah." I said to him sitting on the bed. I felt lightheaded. _You drank too much. Gee, you think? But... _

"You can never have too much whiskey." I said out loud. Baralai starred. "What? It's true."

"Is that really a healthy way of looking at it?"

"Healthy or not I am allowed to go nuts once in a while."

"You going nuts is a scary thought."

"Oh well." I said as I pulled my arms away and fell on the bed.

"Oddly I was more comfortable on the floor."

"Maybe it's just the liquor?" He said.

"Doubt it, even when I'm not drinking I like the floor better."

"I guess you're just that weird."

"Hey! I may be drunk, but I still take offense to that."

"Ah, so you admit it. You are drunk." I frowned sticking out my tongue at him. _You're being childish; there's a reason why shouldn't drink. Shut up. _He laughed at my antics.

"You drunk is a funny sight."

"So what, you are just going to make fun of me now?"

"No. It's just that I've never seen you drunk." _And hopefully he will not see it again. Shut up you. I'm enjoying myself._

"Although, you never did answer my earlier question." I blinked.

"Question?"

"Yeah."

"What question?"

"Are we a couple?" I gave him a hard look.

"I already answered that."

"No you didn't."

"I did."

"Then I want you say it again, this time only as a yes or a no."

"You are mean, you know that?"

"I'm not mean, I just want an answer."

"I'm not sure I have an answer."

"Just yes or no. That's all I'm asking. I'll be ok with it either way."

"This is your sneaky way of asking me out isn't it." He laughed.

"If you want to see it that way, sure." I raised myself from the bed just enough to punch him on the arm.

"Hey, what was that for?" He asked.

"For being sneaky."

"You are sneaky."

"I'm not!"

"Are too. You vanish into thin air whenever you want. I call that sneaky."

"That's me just being... me."

"Right. You're still avoiding my question." He said. I sat up and sighed.

"I'm sorry Baralai but I really don't know how to answer it. I want to say yes but at the same time I want to say no."

"Maybe it's because you are over thinking it. Just choose an answer."

"I can't! It's not that easy."

"It's easy, you are just making it complicated."

"Yeah, because I just love to complicate my life."

"Yeah, you do."

"Shut up."

"Do you love me?" He asked instead. _Don't answer that. ...I don't know! _

"Why are you doing this to me? I don't know!"

"You don't know or you don't want to tell me?" I didn't know how to respond to that. I wasn't sure if I really loved him or it was my mind playing tricks on me. _Liar, you know you love him. He can't know. But..._

"I..." He chuckled. That puzzled me.

"You've never been good at expressing your feelings, have you?" He said.

"No, I..."

"Just tell me a yes or a no, I want to know if you share my feelings..." _I... I don't... I love you, but... no, we can't... __Why was this so hard for me? He was right, it just a simple yes or no question and I already know the answer to it. __You can't. He shouldn't know the truth. But what if something happens and then I regret not telling him._ Not trusting myself to speak I settled for nodding instead.

He smiled moving closer to me. He said nothing, he just looked into my eyes. And then he gave me a light kiss on the lips. I couldn't help it. I licked my lips slightly and moved closer. I could feel his breath, and hear his breathing.

"I..."

"Don't say anything." He told me. This time I was the one who kissed him. My body move forward pushing towards him.

_Don't do this. You will both end up hurt. I don't care._ His lips on mine felt so good I didn't want to stop. _That's just the alcohol. You will regret this. Stop. No. I want this. This is a bad idea. I don't care._ We eventually broke apart but neither of us moved back and we were just there breathing into each other.

My eyes drank his face, my gaze lingering on his lips. I... wanted him. _Don't. You're drunk. I want this, just shut up. _My mouth was dry. I licked my lips and pressed them against his once more. His hands wrapped around me, pulling me towards him. I pulled on his shirt, pushing it upward, pressing my hands against his naked skin. He was warm.

_You will regret this later on. Maybe you're wrong. You know I'm not. _I ignored all the voices in my head and focused on Baralai instead. I didn't know if he was having the same thoughts as me but if he was he was not being hesitant. _Maybe it was a bad idea to drink so much. _He grabbed me by the shoulders and shifted our weight with me being pressed against the bed. He broke the kiss and looked at me in the eyes.

"Paine, I want this, but..." I didn't let him finish. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him to me. My lips seeking out his, my tongue tasting his. I wanted him. I pulled on his shirt, and he moved, breaking away from me and took it off.

I'm pretty sure that if we were both sober we would not be doing this but then again, maybe we would. I lifted my own shirt over my head and Baralai's lips found mine again. Passionate and hungry and wrong, yet right. I shivered as he ran his hands down my side and I could feel him smile.

His skin on mine. My lips pressed against his. I craved him. I ran my hands along his chest, shivering as I felt his hands on my skin. His touch was warm. His body welcoming. My lips left his, and I trailed kisses along his neck. I flickered my eyes open, and I looked at his face. There was need in his expression. He smiled. His lips met mine momentarily and then moved down my neck, between my breasts. My hands were at his waist, unbuttoning his jeans.

His hands and lips felt as if they were on fire and it sent shivers every time he touched me, something he did not fail to notice. He trailed his fingers down my spine and I suppressed a gasp. I'm pretty sure that is what he wanted me to do and I wasn't going to give in that easily.

I pushed against his chest, moving him onto his side before pushing my weight over him, straddling him. He looked at me, wide eyed, his glance filled with lust. I smiled. Pressing my chest against his as I kissed him. He held me by the waist, pulling on my sweat pants to get them off. I slid my legs out of them, moving my lips across his neck, and chest.

He rolled his weight pinning me down on the bed. He pulled me up and started to kiss one of my breasts while playing with the other and I couldn't help but shudder and gasp. He then switched to the other side before continuing down to my stomach. His hand moved towards my back and started traveling down. I bit my lip. His mouth trailed my body back up, reaching my mouth once more.

He kissed my lips lightly, before moving to my breasts. Fondling one while gently nibbling on one of my nipples. I let out a soft moan, arching my body slightly towards him. I felt him move down past my stomach, leaving a sensitive trail as he caressed my skin with his lips. His hands parted my legs slightly apart, planting a kiss on my inner thigh before moving away from me to undo his jeans and pull them off along with his trousers.

He was on top of me again as he smiled down at me. He kissed me again as his hands traveled down to my waist to get rid of my underwear. His hand traveled further up my thigh until he reached my slit. Once there he started to play with me and I moaned in response.

My body arched towards him at his touch. My breath grew heavier. My hands pressed against his shoulders, my nails digging into him. His lips on my inner thigh, his tongue probing into my slit. He was driving me insane. And I loved it. Among my moaning, I called his name in a harsh, breathless tone. I shivered at the touch of his tongue, and let out a whimper when he moved way, muffling my panting with a deep kiss on the lips.

I wanted him. I needed him. I lifted my hips to meet his out of instinct. His manhood pressed against my slit, and I moaned into his kiss. His hips made slight movements towards me, pressing his groin against me. My thoughts rushed. My heart accelerated, my breath grew shallow. I broke the kiss.

"Please…" I slurred, it was all I could usher. His breathing was harsh and irregular, a murmur against my ears as he kissed my neck.

I parted my legs. I felt his erection press against my slit slightly. I felt pressure between my legs as he thrust his hips forward. I wrapped my legs around his waist, pushing him towards me. Inside me. I moaned loudly as he penetrated me. I felt full. And my body was on fire. He groaned.

His hands were on my breasts, fondling me. His lips held one of my nipples, taunting it with his tongue and his teeth, biting it gently. He began to move his hips, forward and back, forward and back. And I followed his rhythm, meeting him halfway. We were sweaty. Our moans filled the room. And the sound of flesh hitting flesh was loud to my ears as he and I thrust forward to meet each other.

I was lost in carnal desire. My entire body responded to his slightest touch. I shivered and I moaned. I raised my body to meet his every thrust. I was beyond sanity. I was beyond thinking. I was to the point of only feeling. Only feeling pleasure. My breathing shortened, my breaths coming out harsher as I neared my climax.

I flung my eyes opened and looked straight at Baralai. His skin shone with sweat, his muscles taunt and strained as he pushed himself inside me, hard. My moans grew louder. I felt my muscles tense, and my entire body arched towards him. I yelled out in pleasure, his name being the one word to come to my lips. His movements slowed, but did not stop. His hands fondled my breast.

As my body relaxed, his movements picked up. His mouth took one of my breasts and suckled on it, nibbling on the nipple. I moaned. My body quivered. I was completely open to him. My body was tingling.

His thrust slowed and he tensed up, shooting his seed. Collapsing on top of me. I wrapped one hand around his waist. My eyes looking at his. I smiled. Kissing him sweetly. He pulled me towards him, our bodies intertwining as we basked in the afterglow of our love making. The smell of sex was all around us. And the silence was comforting having him to hold me, to kiss me, to caress me.


	10. Whiskey as a Cure for Whiskey

A/N: Ok this is DeathGod666 filling in for Whitewolf as she is not able to post anything since her hard drive on her laptop crashed and burned. Thankfully I still had this on my comp. Was just letting you all know why this chapter is late and why you shouldn't quite awhile. Though do not fear this story is being worked and once she has access to a comp, most likely mine, you will have .

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I opened my eyes slowly hoping that the room would not be too bright. I had a pounding headache and I was absolutely sure that the light would make it worse. Now if only I could remember why I had a headache in the first place. _You were drinking last night, remember? Oh yeah. Baralai was here. He was drinking with me._ I sat up suddenly on my bed when I remembered exactly what happened last night. _Please tell me that didn't happen. Oh I'm such an idiot._

"Finally awake?" Baralai's voice said from my right. _I'm such an idiot. _I groaned outwardly even though I didn't mean to.

"Are you alright?" He asked. I nodded not even wanting to look in his direction. _What have I done? You should have stopped yourself. I do not need grief from you right now._

"Yeah. I just have a headache." I said putting my face in my hands.

"I see." He said. His tone of voice made me look over to him. He sat in the chair that was besides my bed in his jeans. His face looked grim and I was just about to ask him where was his shirt when I realized that I was wearing it.

_He's regretting it. No he's not. Yes he is look at his face. Maybe he doesn't feel good. Stop lying to yourself. You know he regrets it and so do you. That's not true! Admit it, it was a mistake._ I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn't even notice that Baralai was talking to me.

"I'm sorry, what?" I said. He made a face when he realized that I had not heard a word of what he said.

"Never mind." He said as he sighed and leaned back on the chair.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. It wasn't important." He said. He was obviously lying. _He can't even talk to you now. You've messed up your friendship because you were drunk. Didn't I tell you to shut up?_

"Talk to me Baralai." I said. He gave a wry smile but didn't say anything. "Fine. Don't say anything then."

"Like I said, it wasn't important."

"I know you're lying."

"You know I'm lying? You weren't even paying attention."

"So I lost my focus for a minute, doesn't mean I wasn't paying attention."

He looked like if he was about to say something but thought better of it and stayed quiet. _So this is what it comes down to? Seriously, shut up. I warned you not to do it. I don't want to hear it! You didn't listen to me last night and look where that got you._

"There you go again." Baralai said suddenly.

"What?"

"Off into your own little world."

"I'm not in my own little world, I just…you know what forget it."

"You want me to forget it? You're the one who wanted me to say what I had on my mind and then you ignore me when I do."

"I'm not ignoring you. You went silent!"

He shook his head and got up from the chair walking straight towards the door. This made me jump out of the bed pounding headache and all to try to stop him.

"Baralai wait!" I said grabbing his arm. "I'm sorry."

"No." He said as he pulled his arm away. "I should be the one apologizing."

"What? Why?" I asked confused. He hadn't done anything.

"We'll talk about it later." And with that he left me standing there with a whole bunch of questions in my head. I stood there for a few minutes until my brain fully processed the fact that Baralai had actually left.

_You brought this upon yourself. You should have listened when we tried to warn you. If you had you would be like this now._ I almost let out a small sob. _ I don't want to hear it! I know it was my fault!_ I looked out the window and saw that it was raining again. _Why didn't I stop when I had the chance? Because you weren't thinking straight._

I pulled myself from the window and headed straight to the bathroom to take a shower. I tore off Baralai's shirt and threw it in a corner before getting in and turning on the cold water. _I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot. I should have never let it get that far. You're right you shouldn't have. Now Baralai is mad at me. As he should be._

I felt warm tears trickle down and mix with the cold water of the shower. _You shouldn't be crying, it was your fault after all._ This made me cry harder. _Stop it now._ But I didn't stop. I just cried for a while until I was able to regain my composure and think straight again. I stepped out of the shower and put on some clean clothes.

_Now what was the purpose of all that if you are just going to go out and get wet in the rain. I needed it._ And with that I walked out my down and into the cold rain outside.

I headed to my usual thinking spot in an effort to clear my head. No sooner I had gotten there than the stalker had appeared._ I need a new place to go and think._

"What do you want?" I asked roughly not giving him a chance to say anything first.

"Well you seem to be having a bad morning." He said taking his usual position next to me.

"You could say that." _Bad day does not even begin to cover it._

"Care to talk about it?"

"No. Are you ever going to get the hint that I do not want to talk to you? Ever."

"Oh I get the hint, doesn't mean that I am not going to try to get through to you. You can say that I'm much like Baralai in that sense." My chest tightened at the sound of his name and he noticed the quick flash of pain on my face.

"So he's the reason why you are here?"

"It's not his fault, it's mine." His brow furrowed in confusion.

"I take that as a yes then."

"Take it however you want, I'm not talking about my problems with you."

"Nor anyone else for that matter."

"I didn't ask for your opinion."

"But I gave it anyway. Even if what happened was a product of your own stupidity you still need to let it out. Particularly later on."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Nothing really. Just bare in mind that every action has its consequence." He said before he turned around and left.

_What did he mean by consequence? He couldn't possibly know, could he? No he couldn't. He's just fucking with my mind again. Yeah he's just fucking with you. But what if he isn't? What is going to happen to you then? You know you wouldn't be able to handle it. Maybe you're wrong. You know I'm right._

The more time I spent thinking about what happened the angrier I became. _You should have stopped yourself. I know that! Then why didn't you listen. I don't know._ I let out a frustrated sigh and threw the rock that I was playing with out into the sea.

I headed back to my apartment as slowly as I could. The only reason why I was going back was because I was starting to get really cold outside. Once at my apartment I showered and put on some dry clothes. Then I headed straight for the kitchen to grab the other bottle of whiskey that I had lying around.

_Again? Wasn't that what got you into this mess? Whatever, he isn't talking to me right now. And whose fault is that? Shut up. I know it's my fault._ I went into my room and sat down on the floor leaning against my bed before opening the bottle. I took a mouthful and swallowed slowly feeling the burn on the back of my throat.

_Is this what you've been reduced to? Twenty-four years old and going nowhere in life. You have a job you hate, you're a budding alcoholic, and you fucked up the best thing you had going. Do you feel proud? No. Then do something about it. I can't. Yes you can. No I can't. I don't know how. Figure it out. I'm trying. Try harder._

I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to will the voices away. When that didn't work I put the bottle to my lips again and downed almost half of the contents in a gulp. The burning in my throat was worth the momentary silence that I got.

The voices came back. I could hear them murmuring far away, their words unintelligible. I could deal with that. Another swing from the bottle and they were silent again.  
The bottle was empty, but I kept it in my hand. I lay out stretched on the floor, my eyes looking aimlessly at the ceiling.

I heard knocking somewhere in the distance. At first I thought I was going crazier than I already was but then I realized that it was somebody at my door. I tried to get up but my head was spinning so much that I had to lie back down. _That's what you get for drinking all of that so fast. Go back where you were._

"Paine?" Baralai's voice said from above me.

_Baralai! _My eyes flung open, the light that entered the room blinded me with the sudden brightness. I said nothing, and squinting my eyes I turned away.

"Paine," he said softly, "we need to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about." I told him.

"Please." he insisted.

I looked at him but didn't know what to say to him exactly. _You have to say something. You again? He's waiting. Say something! What? I don't know what to say!  
_

"So this is how it's going to be?" He said after a while of me not talking.

"What? No."

"Then?" asked Baralai.

"I don't know." _He'll leave again. No, I -- You know he will. All you do is hurt him.  
_

"Paine?"

_He'll leave, just like you should. No... _"Shut up!"

"I didn't mean to say that." I said quickly when I realized that I had said that out loud. He looked so hurt it made me feel tiny.

"If that's what you want." He said as he turned to leave.

"No wait." I said getting up quickly to grab him. I ending up using for support as the dizziness struck me again.

"Don't go."

"I'm sorry Paine but you are making it really hard to talk to you."

"I know. I'm sorry. Just stay. Please."

"What's going on? You haven't been yourself lately?" He asked.

_Tell him. No... Tell him. I can't.... Tell him. Tell him what? Everything. He... no, I can't. He'll think you're just crazy then. Aren't I? Are you? I hear voices, and they tell me what to do. I'm pretty sure I qualify.  
_

"There's... nothing really. I'm just troubled."

"By what?"

"I don't know."

"Why do you want me to stay? You aren't talking to me. You aren't listening. So why?"

"Because," I said without thinking, "...because I just want you to."

He looked at me with a troubled look, as if he was fighting voices of his own. _If you can't talk to him how do expect this to work. Expect what to work?! We aren't anything right now._ He let me go and I managed to stay standing. I had expected him to leave but he didn't._  
_

"Why have you been acting like if nothing matters to you anymore?"

"Maybe nothing does." I told him. _Liar. No, I... He matters to you. A lot. I know, but... See the pain in his eyes? You can only hurt him. I don't... I can't help it! I know that it's all my fault.  
_

"What about me? Don't I matter?" He asked.

_If he mattered you wouldn't hurt him. He does matter. And you hurt him so much. No... no!_

"Leave me alone!" I yelled out throwing the empty bottle hitting the wall, shattering much too close to Baralai's head. The throw knock me off balance and Baralai had to catch me.

"Why are you doing this?" He asked hurt.

"Because I'm afraid." I said truthfully.

"Of what?"

"Of losing you."

"You're not going to lose me." He said caressing my cheek with his hand.

"How do you know? What if you just decide to leave?"

"I won't leave."

"But you did! ...you left me, what's stopping you from leaving again!?" That had been like a blow to the face and I saw that clearly on his features.

"I'm sorry for what I did but I want to do this right." He said looking down.

"What do you mean?"

"I took advantage of you last night.

"What? I'm the one who went too far."

"And I should have stopped you but I didn't."

"I didn't want you to."

"Would you have done the same thing sober?"

"Yes." I said quickly. "...maybe. I don't know."

"You were drunk, I shouldn't have --"

"Stop. I don't want to hear it. It was my fault, stop blaming yourself." Baralai kept quiet and helped me sit back down on the floor. Neither of us said anything and after a while I started to doze off on his shoulder.

"You should go to sleep."

"You'll leave if I do."

"I'm coming back."

"I don't believe you."

"I will come back. I promise." I lifted my head up to look at his face. He gave me a small smile as if to comfort me.

"You better keep that promise."


End file.
